Primo Encarnation at Juanita Jean's "The World's Most Dangerous Beauty Shop:"
Welcome to Unintended Consequences T’eater. I am your host, Primo’s Uncle Jimmy “Barstool” Grobnik. In tonight’s episode, we’re lookin’ at da unintended consequences of da RNC, – dat’s da Republican National Committee – what dey did dat screwed demselfs and ended up wit’ Donald Trump.
So dere’s dese two guys, right? Da Brudders Koch, which is pronounced like da drink, not like anyt’ing in yer pants, like “crotch” or anyt’ing, down ‘ere. Or Cook, which I never unnerstood how K-O-C-H could soun’ like…
[Uncle Jimmy! ]
Barstool: Right, sorry dere, Primo. So da Koch Brudders, dey wanna run da world so dat dere oil comp’ny makes money forever. So dey put summa dere money in different places so as to influence as broad a spectrum… seriously?
[Just read the script, Uncle Jimmy.]
Barstool: Ah, hell! Just lemme tell it my way. So dere’s dese two a-holes dumpin’ money in every conservative purse dey can find in order to have more clout wit’ every’ting. An dey especially are lookin’ for some kinda front man so dey can run him for President and really start to take over da joint. In our first scene, dey make dere plans. Hey, PETE! Come ‘ere once.
Pete: Whaddya want?
Barstool: Here, read dis.
Pete(reading): “Script for Unintended Consequences T’eater, Episode 1.”
Barstool: Not dat part, furder down, where my finger is. You be Charles. Right dere, read dat.
Pete(reading): “David, we must protect our fodder’s legacy and da Koch name…” are you kiddin’ me?
Barstool: Primo wrote it, we just gotta read it. Plus it’s “da Coke name” not “da Cotch name.”
Pete: Yeah, fine, but who talks dis way?
Barstool: I dunno. Primo wrote it.
[Guys, maybe we skip to scene two. You be Walker and you be Ryan.]
Barstool: How come we got two jailed ex-Illinois Governors innis?
[They’re not those guys.]
Barstool: Says right here: “Governor Walker.”
[That’s Scott Walker.]
Barstool: I t’ought his name was Dan.
[No, Uncle Jimmy, Dan Walker is dead. This is Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin.]
Pete: Dan Walker died? When?
Barstool: Wisconsin?! You want me to play some cheesehead governor?
[Walker died last year. Uncle Jim, you can play Paul Ryan if you want.]
Pete: Is he dead?
Barstool: Nah, he’s in jail.
[No, that’s GEORGE Ryan and he is NOT dead and he is NO LONGER in jail.]
Barstool: So where is Paul Ryan from?
[He’s the Speaker of the House and he’s from Wisconsin.]
Barstool: You want me to play a cheesehead CONGRESSMAN?
Pete: I’m readin’ ahead, here. Who is Rains… Prius? Pry-bus?
[That’s Reince Priebus. He’s the head of the RNC.]
Barstool: Where’s he from?
[That’s not important, look…]
Pete: Wisconsin?
[Well…]
Barstool: Ah, crap Primo, dontcha have nobody who’s NOT from Wisconsin?
Pete: How ‘bout dem Cotch Brudders?
[Coke! Look, here’s the deal: the plan was to make Scott Walker the President, and Reince Priebus’ only job was to set all that up to make it happen. He moved the primaries around, moved the convention up, and laid all the groundwork for Walker to run. He was the front-runner, but then a jillion guys jumped in the race and Donald Trump went gonzo and with a solid third of the GOP vote – the most redneck, illiterate, fascist, racist, misogynist cranks ever to punch a chad – Trump built up an early and, as it turns out, insurmountable, lead in the polls. With no money, no traction and an idiot with a chain gun for a mouth galumphing across the debate stages, Walker bailed before even the first vote was cast.]
Pete: So all da moves da GOP did to avoidda problems of 2012 and all da moves da Kochs did to have all dem Badgers runnin’ da place had da unintended consequences of making Trump da nominee?
Barstool: Hence da T’eater name!
[Exactly! Now, can we do this?]
Barstool: WhatforHowcome? You just did. (reading) “Dis completes our Inarguable Presentation of Unintended Consequences T’eater…”
[“Inaugural”]
Pete: What’s dat mean?
Barstool: It means it’s da first one.
Pete: DERE’S GONNA BE MORE?
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